


And the breeze will kill me

by Nisushi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Minor depictions of gore, Multi, Mystery, alternative universe, future deaths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 19:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14654586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisushi/pseuds/Nisushi
Summary: A cold breeze embraces a usually unbearable Summer when people start to disappear. Hideyoshi Nagachika doesn’t pay much attention to it, that is until his best friend leaves without a sign. It is for Hide to find out where Ken Kaneki and the others went.An unbearable Summer it was.





	And the breeze will kill me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my work for the Hide Big Bang! 
> 
> Thanks to the amazing Skiewrites for editing my story and Shiroikumo for creating art for the work :)   
> Be sure to check their tumblrs, because they're amazing people. 
> 
> -N

For an afternoon in the middle of the Summer, it was relatively cool, especially when you would compare the temperature to the other unbearable days. It probably was the light breeze that made the leaves rustle. The sound fit the package that came with Summer breaks perfectly, together with the not so pleasing sun that never seemed to disappear from the horizon on these days.

The breeze made up for the popsicles that melted too fast and the sweat drenched clothing that stuck to people like a new skin. The only thing that was stopping them from walking around naked was the law.

Not that a person here that would give a single care if someone chose to go out buck naked. It would give an interesting twist to the never ending summer days, but then again, there was something about norms and values that people felt obliged to follow, and so everyone was still melting in their clothes.

“Something interesting.’’

That something that was supposedly interesting never came, especially during summer. This town was soon to be abandoned. People would isolate themselves for the whole season if they could, crawling to the little bits of shadow that their houses could provide them. Yet, the town could not stop when the rest of the world was moving, so streets would be filled with more than just elderlies hobbling down to the shrine for the last time before they would be as dead as the town itself.

If heat was not inviting the Reaper to this place for the rest of the year, it would be the boredom that took the life from this town. Most accepted it, especially during summer time, when withering away on the porch sounded so tempting.

Which was exactly what Hide was doing, or it would be doing if not for his thoughts keeping him from the sweet salvation of rest. His head was killing him, and it wasn’t only from the pressing heat. Every day for a week now, Hide couldn’t get himself to stop thinking. He knew well enough that this was his own way to survive, but sometimes he wanted to hit himself for being obsessed with drowning into his thoughts in an almost unhealthy way.

Some were always desperately searching for entertainment, especially during summer time. It meant surviving until they could take a step forward and leave this town. Would it be throwing rocks at the sleeping neighbours who were too unlucky for leaving open a window, or the walking by the riverside and trying to find its end, coming to the conclusion that it was too ambitious to find it in one single day, which would lead to walking all the way back when the late sun would set? The heat wouldn’t judge on how time was spent. It would be cruel to all.

But this summer’s heat was different; it didn’t seem to follow those rules. Lazy days became too much for some, maybe. Swimming in sweat everyday was too disgustingly familiar to others, maybe? The feeling of imprisonment, even in this place that was surrounded by grain and wheat, was taking the best of them. Maybe?

“Maybe?’’

That ‘maybe’ kept Hide thinking. What was so particular about this summer that made people want to leave? It wasn’t the act of leaving, because if it were him, Hide would have left as soon as he could.

His parents could, every summer. It was an unspoken agreement between parent and son that Hide watched the house and could do whatever he felt like until they would come back. Hide never minded it much that his parents left him behind. They were still in love and needed some time a year alone.

But that wasn’t it. ‘It’ was the fact that this town was emptier than in all the other summers.

There were theories, but those were only mere theories, thought up when in between wakefulness and sleep or during forgotten chitchats when the matter came by on those get-togethers that went too far. They were unproved explanations to why there were people suddenly disappearing.

Hide glumly sighed, because how much he disliked the disappearance theory, it was the most likely one. As far as he knew, none of the people who left had a reason to. It wasn’t like Hide knew much about it, though. All he knew was that the ghost-like stories about the disappearances were a trend and jokes about death were for once not taken seriously. And that his friend had vanished too.

Ken Kaneki had never had a reason to leave, but he did. A week ago, Hide had stood in front of the corridor of the Kaneki residence. Kaneki’s mother filled up the corridor, told Hide that her son hadn’t been home and neither had come back this morning. She looked so heartbroken that Hide had held himself back from asking any further questions.

Kaneki had left, without having a reason to. Hide didn’t know the other people who disappeared, and for the sake of living with less worry, Hide had given them the excuse of wanting to escape this God forsaken town. That seemed like a probable explanation.

Until it wasn’t.

The tables had turned when Kaneki’s mother had closed the door, because Hide couldn’t label Kaneki with the same excuse as the others. Kaneki had never wanted to leave town. He loved its simplicity and the dragging daily routine it gave to everyone’s life. Kaneki wasn’t adventurous, or a risk taker, or wouldn’t tell Hide anything about a big deal like leaving.

Nowadays, people never left voluntarily. They shouldn’t. Something was going on and Hide spent every day figuring out what that something was. At some point he had taken a half used notebook and pen outside, ready to write down everything he knew about the Missings.

The Missings was maybe the best thing he had come up with the entire week. He hadn’t been able to think of anything that might fill the paper. Except for Kaneki’s name.

“Hey, getting somewhere Sherlock?’’

In a matter of seconds after a rustle of leaves being pushed away, Hide’s view of the ceiling was blocked. Tomono kept on his atrocious grin, eyes disappearing until they were mere lines. Hide turned away to check the poorly kept bushes that separated the garden from the road for any casualties.

‘’You know I hate it when you do that.’’ Weakly gesturing at the bushes where Tomono just jumped over, Hide knew that his friends wasn’t going to take him seriously, like the last time.

Tomono squatted down next to Hide’s lying figure once he had climbed the veranda. ‘’How’ve you been?’’

Hide quirked his eyebrow at that. ‘’Let’s not do sweet talk and such, Tomo,’’ giving his hand to the other as a sign to help him get up, Hide let himself be lifted up by Tomono. His friend knew that Hide knew. ‘’What d’you want?’’

‘’You got me!’’ Hide received a playful stump on his shoulder. It actually hurt. ‘’To come to the point, I came here to see if you still got any ice cream? We’re dying at my place.’’

Absentmindedly scratching his neck, Hide started thinking. When was the last time he had come out to get groceries again? It wasn’t anywhere around this week at least. ‘’I don’t think I do, but I can check.’’

Hide made a turn towards the door. ‘’It’s not like I’m broke or somethin’!’’ Tomono shouted after him, and Hide made a vague hand gesture as if to say ‘yeah, sure’. Crouching down to the level of the fridge, Hide quickly looked inside to come to the conclusion that, no, there wasn’t any ice cream left.

‘’I’m sorry to tell you, but you have to panhandle somewhere else.’’ Hide noticed that Tomono didn’t register anything he had said, instead looking at the notebook Hide had left on the veranda.

‘’Hey, bud. I’m out of ice cream.’’

‘’You still didn’t get far with this?’’ Completely avoided, Hide took the notebook out of his friend’s hands and hit him with it. Ignoring his whines of pain all the same, he glanced over the almost white paper. ‘’No, I didn’t.’’

He didn’t. There was a side of him that kept excusing his lack of progress, kept him from actually feeling guilty. It wasn’t as if anyone had asked for him to go and find out whatever happened. It wasn’t his place to search for Kaneki. There were people for that who were labelled with a special name, which was ‘professional’. There was no way a teenager would find the Missing.

Definitely a stupid name.

On the other hand, Hide was mentally hitting himself for even trying to come up with excuses. The dark pit of frustration slowly growing in his stomach would still be simmering with these excuses being made. And then there was the shame. The shame that came with guilt and created a horrible mix that kept him awake at night. The mix that made the maybes swirl around in his head.

Kaneki was the only written name. More names were needed if Hide wanted to get somewhere. The issue with how to approach acquaintances of the Missings was still a thing, though.

‘’I can’t just barge into peoples’ houses and ask about their supposedly dead family,’’ Hide joked, but his stomach twisted at ‘dead’.

‘’You know what families you have to barge into then?’’ It was a remarkable point made. Hide indeed didn’t know who exactly went missing.

But apparently Tomono did. ‘’No. Do you?’’

‘’I heard that someone else from our school disappeared. I’m not sure if you know her though,’’ Tomono pinched his forehead, trying to think while raising Hide’s curiosity. Now was the time to get a grip on the investigation and keep the speed of the process going.

‘’How do you know about the Missing?’’

A look of confusion. ‘’Yeah, that’s how I call the people who went missing. I know, it’s ridiculous.’’

Tomono chose to ignore the said ridiculousness. ‘’I heard my parents mention it. She lives, or lived, nearby.’’ Again the frown that screamed thoughts in process, but then ‘’Her name was Yoriko Kosaka.’’

That name sounded familiar, like a name that belonged to a face that everyone knew the existence of, but forgot the person itself. Than, Hide shot up.

‘’Oh, I know her!’’ Yoriko was their junior, a year lower. Hide would sometimes see her walking through the hallways. She was nothing out of the ordinary. A simple face with an always genuine kind expression plastered to it. She would be perfect to just fit into the crowd and not rouse any attention, if it wasn’t for her friend, who was the exact opposite.

When thinking of Yoriko, there would always be a simple and kind face popping up, together with a dark haired girl that stuck to her for most of the time. Touka Kirishima sometimes let heads turn around, mostly because of her talent for making a scene. It was that Yoriko would never be far away from where the other drew attention.

Hide had sometimes joked about how those two were the female versions of Kaneki and himself, only to be countered by his best friend who would say that it was absurd to think that. They were nothing alike.

Still, as far as friendship goes, they were very similar. Hide imagined how the girl would feel the same as he himself, left in the dark and with so many questions to ponder on. He felt sorry for her.

But she was going to be his next step to take.

“Touka Kirishima, do you ever see her at Yoriko’s house?’’

Tomono was in thought again. “The darker haired girl?’’ Hide nodded. “Only once in a while, but I think she’s the only one who Yoriko ever brings to her place. Why?’’

“You know where she lives?’’

“Well, yeah-”

“Can you tell me?’’ Feeling giddy all over for finding an open door was almost childish. Hide loved it.

His friend grinned, tapping his fingertips against each other. “That depends. What are you willing to pay?’’ Of course he wanted something back. Hide let his eyes roll at the other’s predictive character.

“I’ll buy you some ice cream.’’

“Two blocks away, left from the old lady who keeps broken plant pots in her front yard.’’

 

It was easy to find ones way around a small town. Baptize certain peculiar places names and spread them so everyone will know. Not much effort was needed to get to where Hide presumably had to be.

One house left from the old lady’s yard filled with plant pots was what had to be the Missing’s friend’s home. Nothing particular was the first impression when the house came into view, but then Hide thought it would never have anything notable because there was really nothing interesting about the place.

The front yard was left neglected, just a little. Weeds would sprout from the ground in every corner, but not so much that it came off as uninhabited. The house itself was in almost perfect state, only the pale white of the walls being disturbed by brown streaks of the dried mix of water and iron.

Hesitation was in each of Hide’s steps. Making it to the door was actually difficult. Besides Touka Kirishima and her overall appearance at school, he knew little about the inhabitants. What if the parents would open the door instead of the one Hide wanted to speak to? The last thing he needed was an adult with a Kirishima personality.

Fortunately, a minute after Hide had knocked and knocked again the lady herself came to open the door. Just like her house, nothing about her appearance seemed all too attention-grabbing. Untamed hair that didn’t need to be ready for anyone, unattractive shaggy clothes that opposed their normal school apparel. But the fierce eyes were the same as the ones Hide always pictured with. Touka was a danger hidden under many layers. It was to the person how they would interpret danger.

“What?’’

For Hide, it was don’t-come-into-my-space-if-you-don’t-want-your-head-bitten-off danger. Like a widow spider.

“Good afternoon Miss Kirishima! I-”

“Who are you?’’

A shiver fought back, Hide thought her voice was colder than the breeze from this day. “Sorry, I’m Hideyoshi Nagachika, but you can call me Hide,’’ he tried to play smoothly. The other didn’t seem impressed. “Maybe you’ve seen me walking around at school? I’m a second year.’’

“Yes, I think I know you.’’ Touka leaned against the corridor, arms crossed and chin up. Giving her more hints to figure out who he was wasn’t need, luckily.

She looked fine, other than the fact that she looked to want to kill him. Maybe Hide was wrong about sharing the same tragic feelings.

“What do you want Naga-”

“Hide.’’

“Hide.’’ Slightly disturbed by the interruption, but Hide didn’t pay it any mind.

“I love the straightforwardness. Makes life ten times easier.’’ She was waiting. Hide decided to take it slowly, softly.

“Don’t know if you’ve heard anything about people disappearing lately?’’ Hide let a small smile escape when she nodded in response. “First of all, I want to say that I feel sorry for what happened to Yoriko Kosaka-‘’

“Oh, _fuck off_!’’

So much for that smile. A powerful bam could be heard as soon as the last words had left Touka. Hide stood there for a couple of minutes before deciding that it was better to leave. He wasn’t exactly in the mood to actually feel the power that the poor door had to deal with.

 

When getting home, Hide hadn’t expected to see Tomono still sitting on the veranda. “You really thought I would be that hopeless that you waited for me to come back?’’

“But you are pretty hopeless.’’

Hide sighed as he sat himself down next to the other. “I guess.’’

There was silence of a couple of seconds. Just the breeze becoming more powerful as the sun was starting to set. “Not to push or anything, but where is my ice cream?’’

Hide let his head fall into the palms of his hands at his friend’s comment. “I’m sorry, but can we leave it for another day?’’

“What happened there that was so bad that it can make you break your promises?’’ That was to be expected. The odd behaviour was a cause of the not so great meeting from just now. His friend probably knew that there was something going on from the moment he had jumped over the bushes. Such a hypocrite.

“First of all, I´m not breaking any promises.’’ He could practically feel his friend beaming at that. “And to answer your question, I went to her house and made a small talk which I thought was going pretty well, but then something made her say ´fuck off´ and slam the door into my face.’’ That something was yet a question to be answered.

“What did you say to her?’’

“I think it was something along the line of ‘Sorry for your loss’ or something like that.’’

A boisterous laugh was the reaction. Hide didn´t understand what could have been so funny. If it was the awkward politeness, then he would hit back with how else he was supposed to start the conversation.

“What´s so funny about that?’’

The laughing subsided, but never disappeared. ‘’I was sure that you’d come up with something more creative than that flatliner to start a conversation, Mr. Strategy.’’

 

It took Hide a few more sleepless hours to figure out what his friend had already figured out and he yet had to. Touka Kirishima wasn’t one for patience, at least, she came over as an impatient person. Hide had probably wasted that last bit of patience she had in her, causing her to react so intense.

Tomono was indeed right that the problem lay in the last words. When thinking about Yoriko Kosaka, people immediately connected Touka with her. When expressing empathy for her disappearance, people would politely show their faces to the parents and Touka. Her upset mood had been fuelled with condolences since the day Yoriko went missing. She was reminded of the empty spot next to her way too often.

Hide would have felt the same way eventually, if Kaneki had been more like Yoriko. There was not a person who seemed to know Kaneki had accepted the same fate as Yoriko. Even with the whole incident taking him as well, Kaneki accomplished to keep his air of non-existence. Hide thought it was sad and a little unfair. A kind person like Kaneki deserved to have more people mourning over him than his mother and friend alone.

Hide rubbed his eyes, getting rid of eye gunk and his bitter feelings, making room for thinking of anything that would save his chances to get to the next step. No polite small talk, no unconcerned morally correct remarks.

He hoped that he wasn’t going to fuck up his last chance.

 

The next afternoon, Hide stood in front of the Kirishima residence for the second time, now not only feeling anxiety building up for the situation that an acquaintance opens the door, but also for Touka.

Hide took a deep breath before knocking on the door again. When it took longer than yesterday before the door opened, he felt his heart sink. Maybe he really used up the last bit of patience the day before.

But Hide startled with relief as yet Touka stands in the corridor. It looked like she was about to throw the door into Hide’s face again after noticing it was him standing in front of her house, so Hide took his last chance.

“You know, my friend went missing too.’’ It wasn’t a secret that Touka Kirishima was fierce, hot-tempered, and could be unjustified. But she wasn’t a cold one. She cared.

The door was stopped an inch from slamming shut, interest coating the action. “Please.’’ Hide looked into the crack, imagining gazing into the other’s eyes. Then the door opened again and Hide knew he hadn’t wasted the chance.

“My friend disappeared and the only thing that I know is that he never planned to,’’ Hide explained quickly, still slightly scared that Touka would be gone any second if it took too long. “It’s the same with Yoriko, right?’’

That annoyance again, but only a small annoyance. “Miss Kosaka. Sorry.’’ Touka nodded. “Then I have one request,’’ Hide mentally prayed to whatever power for borrowing him that power. “Will you work with me to find out whatever happened to our precious friends, please?’’ Did he have to bow? Go on his knees and beg if the answer was no?

The answer was not no, though. It sounded like a ‘hah’, one that could also be the reaction if he had asked her to jump into that unending river. It was questioning, so Hide could work with that. Or better than with no, at least.

“Since Kaneki has disappeared, I’ve done a lot of thinking.’’ Eyebrows shot up, and Hide wanted to hit his face against the wall if there wouldn’t come of as straight up offensive. “Ken Kaneki is my friend.’’

“Go on.’’

Touka didn’t look in the least guilty or embarrassed that she wasn’t familiar with the name. Some expectation that could make Hide’s stomach twist. Not that he was going to fight back now.

“You’ve probably heard about other disappearances?’’ A light nod confirmed it. ‘’Since I’m a hundred percent sure that Kaneki and Miss Kosaka’s disappearances were involuntarily, I concluded that there is something going in this place.’’

“Wow, job well done Sherlock.’’ Hide ignored her sarcastic tone and thanked her.

“I need your help to get new information and clues, that’s all.’’

Hide counted the fourth out of five negative reaction. Was this what a teenage girl was like? Grumpy and rude?

“And how do you think I’ll be helpful to you?’’

“Well, at least-‘’

“What are we?’’

Now it was Hide’s turn to look confused. “What?’’

“What are we? What could we do?’’ She started to sound outraged already. “I’m so sorry to tell you Nagachika, but there’s nothing we can do.’’

“How’s there nothing if we didn’t even try?’’

“They probably are already dead!’’ Felling more than fed up with the pessimistic attitude, Hide wished for Touka not to cry. That thought felt all too scary.

“Again, we don’t know yet,’’ Hide spoke with more determination. “If it is true what you’re saying, that they’re really…’’ Another thing that was too scary to think of; Kaneki being taken away to only be killed cruelly and then neglected.

“I’ll never forgive myself if Kaneki died without me doing anything.’’

Helpless, that’s what was the dominating emotion in her eyes. She was asking for mercy, to leave her alone and give her time to accept the worst.

Hide wasn’t feeling kind, so he didn’t give her the sweet salvation. “Please, help me.’’

He couldn’t tell how glad he was that she never started crying. Touka held her head high, blinking away what could fall, looked back and gave her okay. Hide smiled.

 

“See, there’s nothing I can do about this stupid… whatever.’’ Touka threw the papers with crossed out notes down. They were both sitting on the veranda in front of Hide’s house, not even half an hour into getting to work. As much as he hadn’t wanted to, Hide had already expected it would go like this. He had been able to push Touka to help him with much difficulty, and the process only needed so much inconvenience for Touka to snap.

“We’ve barely done anything.’’ Hide put all his power into keeping the tension down. Touka was right about that she hadn’t been a helping hand in the last thirty minutes, but he knew that she would be helpful. He didn’t want his only ally to leave him because of an argument.

He took some papers from the scattered pile, read through them again to find something, anything that would give Touka time to think. All they had done was comparing Kaneki with Yoriko, but the lists of endless contradictions lead to nothing. Kaneki again proved himself right about them not being comparable. It made Hide smile sadly. Again, Kaneki was able to keep himself in this world without consciously doing so.

Hide was suddenly almost two years back, sitting in the exact same spot only without papers scattered around. And there was no Touka Kirishima bickering. Kaneki was leaning back on palms of his hands. It was the same summer’s heat.

“How long will your parents be gone?’’

Hide shrugged. “They’re pretty flexible when it comes to return dates and stuff. It’ll probably be another week or so.’’ Kaneki hummed.

“What? You think I’ll become lonely or something?’’ He couldn’t help a grin from interrupting his pout. First looking at Hide to see if he was serious or not, Kaneki bumped Hide’s shoulder, mumbling that there was no need to act so dramatically.

Hide took Kaneki by his fist that he had used to hit Hide softly and quickly pulled him over so that Kaneki lost his balance and toppled over Hide. The other squirmed in Hide’s grip, trying to break free from the arms around his back.

“I won’t be lonely if you keep being touchy like this, ‘Neki.’’

“Hide!’’

Hide was indeed far from lonely. His parents were absent most of his life, that was true, but the boy on top of him who tried to get free with all his might filled the lack of them.

“Hide, please let me go.’’

He laughed and almost suffocated the poor guy with his grip. “Nope. Never.’’

 

“Hey, Nagachika.’’ The punch that took him out of his daze was much more painful than the one he had replayed in his mind just now. He rubbed over the hurting spot on his arm. “You were lost for a minute there.’’   
  
“That’s not a reason to leave bruises,’’ Hide wiggled his eyebrows. “Leaving marks on your partner isn’t very lady-like, Miss Kirishima.’’   
  
“Oh, shut up.’’ Touka was so suddenly finished with her small break down and was already skipping through the papers again instead of throwing them. “Have you heard anything I’ve said the last couple of minutes?’’   
  
“Well, I was only gone for a minute, so I’ve heard a part of the couple of minutes.’’ He crossed his arms in front of him to defend himself against the next hit that would never come. She was in the position to do it anytime, though. He wasn’t paranoid.   
  
“What do you know about the others?’’  
  
“What?’’  
  
The sigh was stronger than the summer breeze. “That’s what I just asked. What do you know about the other people who disappeared?’’   
  
“You mean the Missings.’’  
  
“I refuse to ever use that word.’’   
  
Hide could laugh about it, especially because of the added disgust. Every time it became funnier. “I don’t know anything. Why?’’

Hide knew exactly why it was important and Touka knew that he knew it. Still was there the eyeroll. Very charming.

“I don’t know anything yet, because I’m not really excited for more doors being slammed into my face because I butt in on people’s private life.’’He told her before the why.

“I thought you were the one who was shaming me for not doing anything about this.’’

“I wasn’t shaming you.’’ Only politically correct manipulating, that’s all.

Touka looked at the lack of useful text on the papers again. “It’s the only option. There’s no way we’ll get any further with just this. We’ve got nothing to work with.’’

Hide knew that, but he was honest with the fact that he wasn’t really into interrupting people’s privacy. Maybe this was why it had brought Touka to him. Fate, or something like that.

“Okay, but then you’ll have to come with me.’’ Hide looked smugly. “I’ll need your kind-hearted kicks in the butt.’’

 

They went from house to house to ask for any information on the Missings. Hide could conclude at least one thing out of that mission, which was that the one who said that town’s people were always kind to help and open should go to hell. He knew most of the people who opened the door, but when it came to two teenagers snooping into their private lives, they wanted to have nothing to do with them.

They did get some names. It didn’t get further than that, but it was something. With most of them either Touka or he himself could connect a face with the name. And so they sat down again, listing the names, characteristics, everything they knew about the persons behind the names.

Most of them were high school students. All of them were young and female. Like Nagusu Miyazaki, Mao Ogoe, Yoriko Kosaka, and Satoko Asoda. Not like Ken Kaneki.

There was this underlying feeling that the names they had gathered were part of a bigger thing. There were more, there had to be more to broaden the field of aspects so Kaneki could fit in as well.

“Or it’s just a filthy pervert who had also something for that friend of yours.’’

 _Just_ some filthy pervert. _Just_ someone who cracked somewhere along his life and decided to kidnap kids for his own pleasure. Touka seemed to be shocked by her own words, but shoves the possibility away immediately.

They had gathered names. What happened to those names wasn’t clear yet, but even when the answer to that felt so far out of their reach, silly jokes already misfit the situation. Because ‘what ifs’ scared them both, so much that they never went deeper into the subject than silly slip ups like this one. They ignored it.

“For now, I think we have to be very proud of what we’ve achieved.’’ It was genuine mild happiness, Hide hadn’t felt so productive in the entire process and with that came that he knew now that it had been a good idea to drag Touka into this. She proved herself useful today, and, something he would unlikely ever tell her, she filled the empty spot that had began to itch.

“What now?’’ A coarse one, but a fill-up. Hide shrugged, he did have an idea, but there was inconsistency to be expected. “The only thing we can do now is go to the Missings’ places we haven’t been to yet.’’

Touka looked up, one of the first times she made eye-contact with him. The first time it wasn’t a glare though.

“And those are?’’

“The Originals.’’

“And those are?’’

“Kaneki and Miss Kosaka.’’ Touka shook her head.

“No way.’’ Inconsistency.

“Why not?’’ It was obvious, but Hide liked to play the role of oblivion.

“Because Yoriko’s parents are not keen on me, that’s why.’’

It was not like she was going to give the truth anyway, so it didn’t matter how he acted. Hide stood up, stretched, got a kick in the shin by Touka, almost toppled over by Touka, stuck his hand out to help Touka up, and then got rejected. A brief view on their relation as what it was right now. “Then the best we could do now is take a walk to Kaneki’s and talk with his mother.’’

Kaneki lived, or had lived, further away from Hide than Touka did, but the strangling heat was lessening, so walking a longer distance wasn’t a problem. It was going to rain soon.

Touka wasn’t much of a talk-starter, like Kaneki. But she seemed to be bothered by long lasting silences, unlike Kaneki. She did come to action if she was brought to her limits. Hide was still in mental debate if they were really alike.

“You didn’t go to Kaneki’s mom earlier?’’

“No. Why are you asking?’’

“Because I wanted to ask why.’’ Hide hadn’t, because the impact Kaneki’s mom had made on him the last time he had stood there, it had scared him off. It was the same now. Hide was a bigger fan of the still open option to run away now and never having to look into Kaneki’s mom’s eyes again.

That look from that time, it could be him. Crazed with helplessness and devastation, it could be him if he were brought over the edge. Looking at her scared him, because she made him realise that maybe he was too optimistic about this situation.

He was a coward.

“Ken’s mom can’t really have me either.’’

 

Of all the doors he had stood in front of in the past days, this one was by far the most terrifying one. Not only because Hide knew he had to confront Kaneki’s mother again, but also that there was no way Kaneki was going to open the door for him.

Touka kept herself behind Hide, and he mentally thanked her for it. This way they wouldn’t have the overpowering presence against the woman alone, and Hide wouldn’t get the nerve to struggle away the last moment.

“Hideyoshi.’’ There she was, and nothing had changed. The same helpless look, tiredness, and the same intensity of them actually.

Hide straightened up and pretended not to be bothered by her state. “Good afternoon Mrs. Kaneki. Can we maybe come in for a little?’’

She wasn’t a hundred percent with them, Hide noticed that when she gazed at him as if she saw him for the first time. “Yes, of course you can dear.’’

All the curtains were closed to reduce as much sunlight as possible. It did make the already small place even smaller. Hide had never felt claustrophobic before, but then again, maybe it was his body making up excuses to run.

“Would you like something to drink?’’ She lead the two to the dinner table and absentmindedly gestured towards the chairs, only to disappear behind the corner which lead to the kitchen.

When Hide sat down, Touka did the same. She seemed even more tense about the whole situation than Hide. He could understand, as there had always been this kind of environment hanging around in this place. More the reason why Kaneki and Hide were mostly at the latter’s place.

He could understand, because Kaneki’s mother had always had this kind of air around her. She was kind, but never really there. Hide had gotten used to it, but he could imagine that newcomers could be taken back by the woman. He could understand.

Just when he wanted to assure Touka that there was nothing to worry about, Kaneki’s mother appeared behind the corner with a plate that carried three steaming cups.

It was silent while she gave them a cup and took place across of them. Apparently Touka’s limits on silence-spans had extended, as she almost didn’t breath to keep the silence. Hide had a hard time too. He had no idea how to get around the subject. Should he beat around the bush a little bit, talk about nothing? She looked like she would break if he were too blunt.

“Who is this lovely lady you brought with you, Hideyoshi?’’

It was a start at least. “This is Touka Kirishima. She’s a year under Ken and me.’’ No change when Hide dropped the name. “Well, how nice you look together.’’

Hide dared to huff out a laugh. “We’re nothing like that Mrs. Kaneki.’’ She nodded and sipped her tea.

“You have no summer school to pass these unbearable days with?’’

“I try to avoid that as much as possible Mrs. Kaneki.’’

“And are your parents doing alright?’’

“They are. Thank you for asking.’’

Hide could see a faint smile. It was hard to see, she had the habit to hide under her bangs and looking at people was such a rarity for her. Just like Kaneki. Another reason why Hide preferred to stay away from here.

“Tell them I said hello.’’ Touka’s limits were trespassed.

“Mrs. Kaneki, what about your son?’’

Cold flooded the room. It was silent again, but the last silence could be called comfortable compared to this one. Only creaking of the house could be heard. Hide hadn’t noticed that he was grabbing on his cup so hard. It was as if the house was crying with him, praying for this to go right.

“Pardon?’’

“Your son, you remember him right?’’ Hide had to do something, stop Touka. “She means well Mrs. Kaneki.’’ The woman was unreadable, so how was Hide supposed to know what he had to safe if he didn’t know what she was thinking right now?

“She meant to ask about the whereabouts of Ken,’’ Hide quickly explained away. “Do you remember that I came here a week ago when Ken had disappeared?’’

A broken sigh. “Can you please leave it Hideyoshi?’’ He was going to, he wanted to, but Touka didn’t.

“Is it too much to ask if you know anything about whatever happened Ma’am?’’

“ _Leave it_.’’ Her face turned towards them, and she had broken. Just like Hide had predicted. And just like he had known, he couldn’t bear to look her into the eyes. It was a shivering complexion of what he could be.

Hide heard the chair next to him scraping over the floor. “I’m leaving you to it.’’ And Touka was gone.

“I’m so sorry Mrs. Kaneki.’’ What exactly he was apologizing for, he didn’t really know. Whether it was for Touka’s behaviour or Kaneki’s disappearance, it didn’t really matter. He felt so, so sorry for the sobbing woman across from him.

“He’s driving me mad Hideyoshi.’’ And to some extent, Hide could agree.

 

Hide caught up to Touka some minutes later. She was almost pounding the ground like a small child. Before he could say anything, she started.

“Didn’t she work on your nerves just now?’’

She did. Hide would never directly say it, especially not when Kaneki was around, but she always had.

“You did get on her nerve though.’’ He still felt so sorry for her, so he would take over Kaneki’s role and defend her.

Touka hissed at him. “What?’’ It was not attractive at all.

“You shouldn’t have pushed her, that’s all I’m saying.’’

“I was asking decent questions!’’ She was, but how much Hide wanted to throw an arm around Kaneki’s mother. ‘’Why are you even defending her Nagachika?!’’

Because Kaneki was so much like her, and all Hide saw in that moment was Ken being driven into a corner.

“Because I still want to keep her as a friend. I’m not done there yet.’’ Setting himself in this light was so cruel. He wasn’t an user of people, and he wanted to say so, to scream his kindness, but Touka wouldn’t take it then. She would continue her way home and never open that damn door for him anymore. And he couldn’t lose her right now.

Touka nodded, the intensity of earlier slowly seeping out of her figure. “Okay then. See you tomorrow.’’ And with that, she was gone.

Hide would ask himself that night how he wasn’t taking advantage of people as he thought about the cries from that place.

 

When autumn was left out and summer changed into winter immediately, Kaneki would immigrate from the garden to his room to read, and Hide would go with him. Kaneki always told him that he loved the winters, and then Hide always asked him why. If summer was bad, then winter was unbearable. The same extremity when talking about weather, but you were forced to stay inside.

“Winters are quiet,’’ Kaneki would say then. “Summers are deafening. I don’t like it.’’   
  
“As if seasons talk.’’ Softly Kaneki knocked the back of his novel against Hide.

“You know what I meant.’’

  
Hide looked up to Kaneki from where he was lying. The other had nested himself against the wall, sitting cross legged on his bed. Hide could his knee with his nose if he wanted to. He wanted to.   
  
“If you keep that nonsensical poetic rambling of you up, then I might never be able to understand you.’’   
  
“Then do your best to understand my rambling as much as I do to figure out what comes out of your mouth.’’ Hide snorted. Then he touched Kaneki’s knee with his nose. His friend looked up from his book.   
  
“I just remembered that I had to invite you for dinner tonight. Mom said she wanted to get rid of the leftovers as much as possible.’’   
  
Kaneki was thinking about it, seriously considering it, but then shook his head. “I can’t keep coming to plunder your house for food.’’   
  
Hide kept the frown to himself. “Not that you ever are, but if that’s what you want.’’ Closing his novel, Ken let a small smile slip onto his face.   
  
“My mom is cooking tonight.’’   
    
  
“Aya Akiko.’’  
  
“No signs of wanting to elope.’’  
  
“Kaori Hisako.’’  
  
“No signs of wanting to elope.’’  
  
“Kimiko Miko.’’  
  
“No signs of wanting to elope, just a loner who smelled bad.’’ Touka shrugged when Hide threw her a glare, and licked the popsicle that was supposed to be Tomono’s.   
  
“Then, Yui Asuka.’’  
  
“This is stupid.’’ She was right. They were three days further and nothing good had come out of whatever they had done. Hide had the urge to follow Touka’s path, throw down his work, then throw a finger at Tomono and take another one of his treats. The heat was also not giving a shit about any kind of cold front that was predicted to well up a storm.   
  
“Maybe it is.’’ Hide lay down next to where Touka was sitting, staring right at her. “I deserve a break,’’ he said. There was this small itch called ‘work avoiding behaviour’ that kept him from relaxing completely, but for now he just ignored it. Hide was aware of the fact that only hoping for new clues wasn’t going to help them in any way, but there was nothing else they could do. For now then.

“Did you slam your head against the door just now Nagachika?’’ It was odd, that he was not going through the papers for once, but it wasn’t absurd. She could have expected that he too would be once done with this whole things and just had to sit back for a while.

“Grab me popsicle too, will you?’’

“No way.’’ But Hide really didn’t feel like standing up and walking that whole distance to the fridge. “You’ll be forced to listen to my ramblings then.’’ It was funny that the two had spend some time together the last couple of days, but what they knew about each other could be easily overtopped by the amount they knew about each other’s friends. It was kind of a sad reality.

“What do you usually do around this time?’’

Touka glanced down at him, silently asking him if he was being serious, and he nodded. That she would think about his question is what Hide didn’t expect. While listening the sounds that came with the summer package, he waited silently for Touka.

“Nothing too different from what we do now,’’ she then answered. “Without the looking at papers for hours though.’’ It was quickly added so Hide couldn’t question the obvious anymore. “And not here.’’

“Not here?’’

She took the last bite from her popsicle, let it melt in her mouth and then swallowed it. Hide would later mourn over the stick that was thrown into his garden by Touka. “We usually spend the whole summer break at my uncle’s, outside town.’’

“Then why not this year?’’ There was hesitance this time. Hide already applauded her sudden openness though, as she did seem hard to break open. Maybe it was the fact that she didn’t have Yoriko and figured that some time she had to talk with someone. Being a cheap substitution hurt only a little.

“My dad and brother did go. I stayed here.’’   

It was only a few days ago that she wouldn’t tell him anything, so this must be tiring to her in some way. He still did appreciate her pushing herself, but if it was alright to let her push a little more was another thing.

So Hide wandered off the path that they had been following. “You’ve got a brother?’’ He honestly didn’t know, and it was a better alternative than changing the subject with asking about what her favourite colour was.

“A little one. He’s not going to our school, so small chance you actually know him.’’ Hide hummed, thinking of an imaginative figure that had the potential to be Touka’s younger brother. An exact same copy came to mind and he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or be terrified.

“How about you?’’

Silently he asked himself if this had turned into a polite silence filler instead of a genuine chat. “It’s just me and my parents.’’ Hide thought and smiled. “But I can add Kaneki to that.’’

It was nothing but meaningless talk, as it died down after they returned to the point he had so wanted to avoid. It was sad, that the most sensitive subject was the only thing that didn’t create an awkward giddy tension between them.

Nothing else really mattered beside Kaneki at the moment, and it was too hard to give pretending otherwise a try. They could talk about stupid favourites for hours, but would always end up about their friends anyway.

And Touka understood that too. She mumbled something he couldn’t quite understand, so he turned towards her and asked for a repeat.

“When you see him again, what will you say?’’

“You’re getting emotional on me?’’ Touka clicked with her tongue. “Just kidding, sorry.’’

They were nowhere near the end, so thinking about what comes after seemed a little senseless to him. There were other priorities than nonsensical daydreaming, but Hide did feel the want to fall deep into that euphoric dream. Kaneki just lying next to him, that is.

Hide chuckled lightly. “Probably something like: ‘What library did you lock yourself into for so long?’’’ _I was worried sick. I hated that you left. Please never do that again._

“I’ll ask Yoriko to stay at my place.’’ Hide quirked up an eyebrow.

“A request?’’ Touka nodded. “What else can you say to a potentially post-kidnapped person?’’

Hide almost felt Kaneki’s name staring at him from the papers. Kidnapped, tortured, human-trafficked, _killed_. Hide didn’t want to think about what could’ve happened, what was happening. Yet that name was telling him that he did need to think of motives to come closer.

They had come to the conclusion that there was someone behind all this, and that this very person lived in their town. Coming from outside was almost impossible, as the nearest town was miles away and anyone would have noticed someone constantly coming in and going out.

It didn’t solve a lot. Questions like ‘where are the Missings’ and ‘who the hell would be catching young girls and Kaneki’ were there and caused most of the itch. Hide wanted to stand up and get to work already, the waiting was killing him. But there was nothing left to do.

“There is a guy coming this way.’’ Hide sat up to see what Touka was talking about, grinned when he saw his upperclassman entering the garden. Nishiki Nishio had answered his invitation with a ‘maybe, probably not’, but here he was.

“Just the right guy.’’ Hide stood up to greet Nishiki, only to be ignored completely. Nishiki stepped onto the veranda and gave a glance at the still sitting figure. Then he looked at Hide.

‘’Who is she?’’

“Hello to you too Nishio-senpai.’’

“Ask the person herself, dimwit.’’ Nishiki seemed slightly amused by that, but didn’t give her the satisfaction of attention. “So, what’s so utterly crucial that it had me get out of my house into the killing sun?’’

“I need you to hack into our town’s municipal archive to find information about the citizens.’’

And he was gone again. Hide took his wrist before he could leave the garden. Did he have to beg, like with Touka? What kind of team did he try to work with?

“Please listen to me.’’ Hide released Nishiki’s wrist when the other turned around. He pinched his forehead. “What the hell do you need that kind of information for Nagachika?’’

“I’m looking for the person who is behind all the Missings.’’

“The what?’’

They would never learn. “The ones who unexpectedly disappeared.’’ Nishiki gestured for him to continue. “I need to know if there is anyone peculiar walking around here. Someone with a criminal record, dark history, anything.’’

Nishiki wasn’t maybe the easiest to ask help from, but he was the most helpful for sure. Hide only needed to break him open. “It’s about Ken.’’

“And why do I have anything to do with that?’’

“It could be Kimi as well.’’ Hide had his attention with that. Nishiki looked slightly attacked, like an animal who was ready to hit back. ‘’Explain.’’

“The people who went missing fit into the section ‘young and female’. Kimi is the primary prey.’’

He was thinking, and Hide knew that this was unfair to do. To pull Nishiki into the situation just to get him to help his case. But he was thinking and that was what mattered the most right now.

“You know what you’re asking from me Nagachika?’’

“A hundred percent.’’

“And you know what my price is, right?’’

‘’Yes.’’

“Then I’ll see what you can do for you.’’ With that, he waved and turned back towards the road. Hide looked at him walking out of sight.

“Who was that?’’

Hide suddenly noticed Touka’s presence again. She had kept herself silent the whole time.

“I know him from the event committee. Really clever guy,’’ Hide said with a grin. “And also nice if you get to know him.’’

“I don’t want to get to know him.’’

“Maybe you’ll have to.’’ Hide sat back next to Touka, feeling her relatively meek air. Was she scared of newcomers?

She seemed to redeem herself from that air fairly quickly though. “What was that price he was talking about?’’

“Hah, that,’’ Hide laughed. “I sometimes ask him to set me as ‘permitted absence’ into the school system. He asks me for three months’ worth coffee.’’ Hide would laugh again if he could when he saw Touka’s shocked face.

“I doubt that he will be happy with that amount this time though.’’  

 

That time when Kaneki showed up at school after a week with a cast around his arm, Hide almost cried. He didn’t know what had happened to injure his friend, and he still didn’t know, but the almost painful relief when it tended to make him burst made up for the lame excuse Kaneki had given back then.   
  
“I fell down when I was helping my mom in the orchard.’’   
  
“You fell down from a tree?’’ Kaneki’s rising blush had confirmed it. That was, if only he hadn’t so swiftly touched his chin when talking. Hide bent his neck backwards over the back of the bench they were sitting on. Kaneki felt ashamed, for some reason other than the silly accident. A fictitious silly accident.  
  
“I’m glad that you’re back.’’ Kaneki stared right at him, concerned over the slight emotion that was present in Hide’s voice. Hide didn’t see him, as he saw the world upside down from over the back of the bench. He really didn’t want to cry in front of his friend. It was terrifying to think of breaking down right here.   
  
So when he raised himself up again, he took advantage of Kaneki leaning close to him and kissed him. It was innocence in the form of a kiss. Nothing was meant by it, yet it wasn’t meaningless. Care and joy were with them.   
  
Kaneki didn’t startle, just stayed as unmoving and silent as the kiss itself. He didn’t misunderstand, much to Hide’s relief. What a mess would it have been if he had.   
Hide leaned back and touched Kaneki’s forehead with his own. The other’s eyes were shining. “Make sure to answer your phone the next time you go out.’’   
  
Maybe after all this, after they solve the case and he gets an award for the honorific actions he had taken, maybe then Hide would kiss Kaneki again.

 

Touka shuffled closer to Hide when Nishiki sat down with his laptop. It was quite amusing to see her shy away from anyone who ought to be more dominating than her. She acted on auras around her, so maybe that’s why she had trusted Hide in the first place. If there was an occasion where she had to break his arm, she could.

“This is all I found.’’ Nishiki had come back after another three days. It was waiting for three long days, and even though they didn’t have to do anything with each other for three days, Touka still came to Hide’s place every single day.

They had moved themselves towards the river yesterday. “Change of environment’’, Hide had said with the last popsicle left in the box. He would have to buy Tomono a new one.

It was healthy for them, getting outside in a way. They had been outside for the whole time, but Hide got giddy from the wood of his veranda, so it was more of a wish to be outside of the outworn setting.

“Favourite movie.’’

“No.’’

“Favourite dish.’’

“Natto, and that’s all I’m gonna say.’’

“Natto?’’

‘’Yes. Got anything against that?’’

Hide kicked his foot through the water. The trees created a nice shadow over where they were sitting. Together with the water of the river it was a cool bliss.

“No.’’

It was a good, maybe even great idea to come here. The tension between the two was connected with that hellish veranda of his. That is something Hide had noticed. It was like a mini vacation from the investigation.

It was easier on them. This underlying fear that neither spoke about was gone for a moment. Hide was free from Kaneki for a moment. It was peaceful, really.

“Then, what about your favourite colour?’’

“Please shut it with the nonsensical questions.’’ Touka swept up water with her foot, with Hide as her target. The water felt so good, yet Hide couldn’t help but to pout as if he was unhappy. He lowered himself on the grassy ground, laying down with his lower legs over the edge where ground was flooded with water.

“You mentioned your dad and brother once.’’

Touka nodded. Hide wondered if she wouldn’t have felt all too lonely if her family wasn’t gone. “Tell me about your family.’’

She looked up to the countless shades of green of the leaves. “My mother died when I was young. It was a stupid car accident, and we’ve all learned to accept it,’’ Touka sighed. “But there is this kind of depression hanging around the house and I’m sure it will never really leave.’’

Hide didn’t know what to say. Such a heavy answer to a simple question was the least of his expectations. It came out so nonchalantly, and Hide was lost in what to do.

“Pretty stupid, right?’’

Hide shook his head and turned to Touka. “It isn’t. Really.’’ For one second, he could see that she was one year younger than him. Vulnerability made a swift appearance in her eyes, and then it was gone again. “Tell me more.’’

Touka seemed to have recovered herself from the little slip. “My dad had picked up the motherly role fairly quickly. He cared for me and my little brother and had, has, as much love for us as two would.’’ It was as refreshing as the cool water to hear Touka talk so lovingly about people. She had avoided talking about Yoriko as much as she could, and so had Hide about Kaneki, so this was definitely something new.

“My little brother is a little shit.’’ That was it for the lovingly talk. “He is in this phase that makes him unbearable. I’m happy he went with my dad.’’

Hide smiled and plucked the grass out of the soil. “You love him.’’ Touka scoffed. “Oh, I do. But I can’t let him notice that.’’

It was fun. He almost teared up when he thought about how much he missed this. It was like being homesick, longing for something that couldn’t be reached quite yet. How he missed Kaneki.

Touka pulled him out of his self-empathy. “Now, tell me about yours.’’

Weirdly feeling so warm by the pushy voice of hers, Hide didn’t feel talking about a subject so cold. He still had to, since it was only fair after her monologue.

“I’ve already told you about the whole picture being me and my parents. My parents are nice, and my dad does not outdo my mom and vice versa,’’ Hide smiled sadly. He did love his parents, and his parents loved him, but-

“They just love each other very much.’’ For as long as he could remember, his dad would be more in his mother’s arms than he. He wasn’t neglected, they gave him as much attention as possible. Only wasn’t a lot.

There were days that he longed for his mom comforting him with her hugs, or his dad petting him on the back as support. There were even days where he had thrown a tantrum just to make them listen. They would, for a moment, but only turn back to each other right after.

“I’m pretty lonely, you know?’’ He laughed, catching the creepiness his words were coated with. He had never meant to sound like some psycho, it was just a cry for attention that accidentally slipped out. Something that had been stuck in him for year maybe?

“Don’t drown yourself in self-pity.’’ But how much he liked that. He rolled on his stomach, taking his feet out of the water and taking the pose of a mermaid. “Only if you’ll give me your love, Miss Kirishima.’’

Touka made a sound of disgust and splashed water over him again. It was fun. But when Hide took a handful of the river water and pointedly aimed at Touka, she took his wrist before the damage was done. She stared at him with this peculiar look in her eyes, as if she had figured him out.

“You can call me by my first name.’’

“Oh, what an honor.’’ Hide winced when she turned his wrist in her hand. “Okay, okay. I’ll make sure to do that.’’

“Don’t get bratty, or you will waste your chances.’’

“Touka.’’

“Hm?’’ He wanted to ask why. Why now. What made her want to change? She hadn’t let go of his wrist yet.

“You can call me by my first name too.’’

Touka huffed out a laugh. “I always could, so what’s so special about it now?’’ ’Why didn’t you then?’ was what he wanted to ask, but he shrugged and let it be.

She then noticed him being significantly closer and his wrist still in her hand. She shoved him away. Hide lay down again and stared at the same countless green shades of leaves for a while.

“Hide.’’

She actually did what he had so kindly asked. He exhaled heavily with the feeling of achievement. “Yes?’’

“You’re an idiot.’’

“I know.’’

 

Touka had been more open to people intruding in on her personal space, and she was not afraid to show it either. Now that Nishiki was searching for whatever he had found, Hide felt Touka coming closer and closer.

“This is the list of people who could be called suspicious in any way, just like you asked.’’

Hide felt delighted. There was only a handful of people on the list, most of them being petty thieves. If this was the right approach, then they were really getting somewhere.

Then it hit him. What now? Were they going from house to house to check for potential culprits? And what if they found the one, what was their next step? A couple of teenagers who had build their case upon information they weren’t allowed to know, what kind of authority was going to support that? They were just kids after all.

It was something for later. There was a list now he had to focus on.

“It’s one of these three.’’ In a town where no one bat an eye when disappearances happen, people with whipped out histories seemed like every common man. The three Hide had pointed out had never existed before they came to this town, or it seemed so. Two men and one woman had risen from the ground and lived here ever since.

What was interesting was when the three had chosen to appear, or this one particular guy. “Let me check my papers.’’ Hide stumbled while running inside. If he was correct, then he had just figured out how to reduce the group of potentials from three to one.

Hide pulled open the shelf where he had put his notes. They had been neglected for so many days, but now they would get their shine. He took them and rushed outside, back to where the two were sitting.

It was silent while he scanned through the papers of trivial information they had fished up. Then Hide ticked on the name of one of the men on Nishiki’s screen.

“That’s the guy.’’ The man had been registered into the archive some days prior before the first girl disappeared this summer. They had his address, and more than that was what they were going to look for.

Hide thanked Nishiki for the help, forced him to leave, and then pulled Touka inside after waving his upperclassman goodbye. Touka stood across from him, arms crossed and an eyebrow quirked up.

“How?’’

Hide laughed. He laughed so hard, because this was it. They were almost at the end of this stupid adventure. This illusion was almost over.

“This guy has moved in just before our first girl disappears.’’

“Could be coincidence.’’ It wasn’t, it shouldn’t be.

‘’I don’t think so.’’

“Why not?’’

“Intuition.’’ Hide was so sure of it, and he wouldn’t let Touka’s pessimism knock him to the ground. He was so sure that it could make him mad. He had to move, lose energy, so he paced around the living room. He almost wanted to shout at Touka, who was keeping her posture. He wanted to drag her into his enthusiasm, to sing along with him.

“We’re going to his house tomorrow morning.’’ Touka gaped at him, eyes widening at his ambitious words.

“You’re absolutely insane.’’ He sprinted over to her and took her hands.

“I am.’’ He was just as sure about that as that his guy was the guy. “Come sleep with me.’’

He was lucky that she hadn’t broken his nose with the punch she threw at his face. “I meant stay here for the night.’’ It hurt, yet not enough to dampen his excitement. “What do you say? It’s a great time to celebrate.’’

Touka rolled her eyes, and then made some unexpected move. She rubbed the place she had hit with her fingertips, right under his right cheekbone. It was very soft, the touch, so much that Hide had to get used to the new tingle he got from the girl.

“Do whatever you feel like.’’

 

They ate and relaxed on the veranda until the wind rose and goose bumps made their appearance.

“It’ll be raining tonight.’’ Hide threw a light blanket on the futon he had laid out for Touka. How much the temperature would be influenced by the weather change and which kind of blanket would be perfect were problems he quickly shook out of his head.   
Touka entered his bedroom wearing the improvised pyjamas he had chosen for her.

“Hope it only lasts for tonight. I hate rain.’’

“I love rain.’’ He looked through the netting of the his window. The only bad thing about rain was nasty insects fleeing inside. But it smelled nice, so that made up for it.

“How can you love rain?’’

“How can I not when it was created by Mother Nature herself?’’

“Weirdo.’’ Touka let herself fall on the heap of tangled blanket. “You’re not really playing the good host role here, are you?’’ Hide walked across the room and put off the light. It was dark enough for his eyes to have some difficulty adjusting to the light. Only the glowing stars he and Kaneki had stuck to the wall when they were ten gave off some light. He sat down on his bed with his back against the wall.

“I was actually going for ‘great host’.’’

Feeling proud when Touka huffed out a laugh, even if it only was a huff, Hide faked a pout. “Can I downgrade to ‘good enough host’?’’ Touka looked at him, pretentiously thinking hard.

“Maybe if you really do your best.’’

Hide lay down properly on his bed. “I can work with that.’’

Silence crept up when sleep didn’t. Hide was a little drunk from the close victory he had felt all night. It made him restless.

“What are those stars anyway?’’ It seemed that Touka was bothered by it as well.

Hide looked to the patch of wall filled with stars. “It was Kaneki’s idea to put them there. Said it would cure my fear for the darkness.’’

“And did it?’’

“It did.’’ Hide now thought that it worked because he had tried to believe it worked so hard that it actually affected him positively. Kaneki had beamed up so lightly when Hide had told him his plan was a success.

Touka mumbled something like ‘is that so’, and Hide nodded to it. “You have your history with Kaneki.’’

“Well, don’t you with Miss Kosaka?’’

“You can call her Yoriko,’’ Touka stopped for a moment. ‘’She would have preferred that anyways.’’

Hide smiled. If light-possessiveness was a person, it would be Touka Kirishima. But only light-possessiveness, because it was sweet and not obsession related.

“Yoriko then.’’

“We only met in middle school, so nothing too lengthy in matters of history.’’ She turned on her side, and Hide swore he saw something glimmering in her eyes. Affection.  

“I really want to see her again, Hide.’’

He wasn’t sure he was going to react well on Touka crying, so he chose to stay silent. For the rest of the night.

Somewhere around the time she fell asleep, it began raining.

Hide never felt sleep coming to him, and when the black of his ceiling became a shade lighter, he convinced himself that he wouldn’t be out any time soon and it was the best to wake up Touka now.

He turned from his back to his side to watch her for a moment. _So soft,_ was the first thing he thought. When there were no words tightening her expression, she had this innocence to her. For the first time, Hide saw how childlike her features actually were.

Getting out of his bed and crouching down next to the futon, Hide began to shake her lightly on the shoulder. “Wake up. We’ve got work to do.’’ And her face was in a frown again. For one second, Hide was afraid that he would get a fist in his face, but she only opened her eyes and murmured incoherently noises.

“A good morning was too much to ask for?’’

 

It was quiet between them while they were readying themselves for the day. It was five in the morning and lighter than dawn when the left the house. When Hide had given Nishiki the assignment to find information about potential culprits, he had asked for all their information. That included addresses.

This guy lived, like everyone else, not too far away from him. Far enough to not be too familiar with his name and appearance, but a ten minutes-walk far away. It was still raining and would be for the next couple of days, but protected by the two raincoats that spawned from decades ago that Hide had found in his house, he could only love it. The smell that rose out of the soil together with the humid air belonged to the more pleasant part of summer.

Deep puddles were plashed apart while they walked through the wet streets. Hide couldn’t bring himself to feel scared for whatever they were going to do next. The two were going to break into someone’s house, had already broken into his privacy, and it would be worse if nothing came from it. This man could be innocent for all they knew.

He stopped where they had to be. A house like all the others, slightly neglected maintenance, but the front yard was filled with wheats that had to be from before the man had moved in. The appearance of his place told them that the guy only lived here for mare convenience, not for life comfort. Puzzle pieces began to come together.

“Let’s go.’’

Touka took his wrist before he could open the small gate. “Excuse me for being the one to spoil the fun, but shouldn’t we first make a plan?’’ She was right, and Hide let go of the gate. Once again he was reminded how they were kids. They knew next to nothing about breaking in.

But Hide didn’t want to show his virginity. So he didn’t. “I have an idea.’’ Hide told her without looking at her. He opened the gate and gestured for her to follow him. She was hesitant in her movements, but did what he told her.

They walked around the house to the back, their sounds muted by the grass and overpowered by the heavy rain. If he was correct in his observations, the man who lived here indeed didn’t give a care about his house but the way it served as a sleeping place.

The backyard was as bad as the front, only did it seem that a stench clinched to the grass here. It was faint and not washed away by the night’s rainfall, so it had to come from inside. Hide couldn’t choose if that was a good or horrible sign.

They walked towards the back door, and Hide checked the windows. All the curtains were closed. He then put his hand on the handle of the door and slowly pushed it downwards. Neither did he now know what to think of the door opening with ease when he pushed it.

He looked back at Touka, and startled a little when he saw her wide-eyed expression. She was asking him how and if they could go back at the same time. He was mostly shocked by how terrified she looked while he was feeling so calm. He hadn’t felt so calm  since before Kaneki had disappeared. Had he been too naïve to come here with the thought that nothing could go wrong?

“Let’s get inside.’’ She grabbed his hand this time. It was shaking.

The door creaked, but they should be fine during the rain. They had officially broken the law again. Hide closed the door behind them and then the unbearable smell came to him. It was nauseating, rotten to the core. Touka pushed a hand to her face to cover her nose and mouth, and Hide was sure she was crying now.

They stood still in the narrow hallway. The oblivious boy in him asked for the reason why she was showing tears now. Nothing happened yet. Something else in him told him then that it was either her fighting with all her might against her instinct or denying the stench and what it might mean.

He tried to silently calm her, because it wouldn’t help anything if they stood here for any longer. They had to move, search the house. She did as she was told, even with eyes begging him to go back and forget all about it.

The first room was the kitchen, not lived in. The second one was the living room, left empty. Then there were the stairs, made of the same creaking wood as the floor. Hide shuddered for the first time when the smell became worse. They were on the right track.

One step at the time, they climbed to the second floor. Hide felt Touka giving a little bit of resistance, pulling him back softly. He thought of her soft face that he saw this morning and continued his way upstairs.

Light seeped through the creak of an almost closed door to the hallway. It was natural light, so it had to come from outside. Hide absentmindedly asked himself how long they had been standing there for the light to become this bright.

The sound of rain became louder as well as they approached the room. It must mean that the window was open in that room. To ventilate the room a bit perhaps?

He noticed how the calm had left his body and made place for the tense stiffness he found himself in now. He was feeling it as well.

Before he opened the door, he gave Touka the opportunity to drag him away from the door with so much force that he would never dare to come into this house again. He wanted her to take him to the river bank again so they could watch it flood over for the rest of the day.

Kaneki convinced him otherwise. He pushed the door.

The next thing that happened, Hide forgot the second afterwards. There was a gap between pushing the door and him standing in the room, taking in the massacre before him. The stench, rotten to core, could kill. He counted the bodies. There were ten of them. All hollowed out stomachs, laying lifeless on the floor or the bed.

There was another body, a living one, sleeping on the bed. It was the guy and he was using three girls as comforter. Ten bodies of ten lost girls. All the girls’ names that were on their list were here. Aya Akiko, Kaori Hisako, Kimiko Miko, Yui Asuka.

 _Yoriko Kosaka_.

A heart-wrenching scream spread through the room. The man didn’t wake up. Touka cried. The man didn’t move.

Ten lives were wasted here and Hide realised how bad their luck was. There was no illusion or fantasy anymore. Everything was clear as the day. As two naïve children, they had been confronted with reality. This was life in its cruellest form, besieging them when they didn’t expect anything.

Ten dead girls had woken them up, and Hide couldn’t feel the least sad for them. He couldn’t grief with Touka as her friend’s arm hung limply over the edge of the bed.

While Touka was falling apart next to him, he felt played by the whole scene. What an anti-climax.

“I’m out.’’ And he walked out of the room. He heard Touka’s pounding steps behind him before he was being jerked back. “Hide.’’ She was dying. What was in that room was killing her from the inside. “Help me.’’

She mirrored his words from where they began. Now he remembered that, he only wanted to get out even more. She was crying, but just like herself, Hide locked himself away.

“With what.’’

Helpless, just like _his_ mother. ‘’I don’t know.’’

Hide tried to get his wrist back and continue his way. “This got nothing to do with me anymore. Let go.’’

He felt so frustrated, so fucked by life’s way. So angry at how it teased him with his lack of ability to be able to do something.

“What are you talking about?’’

“I’m talking about how I’ve had fucking enough of this,’’ Hide growled. “I’ve spent two weeks on doing absolutely nothing, for fuck’s sake!’’ The dead grip on his wrist tightened. Touka was confused.

“What the hell do you mean? We’ve spent the whole time on finding this… this fucker and now we did!’’

“ _But what does it matter if Kaneki not fucking here_?’’

“…What?’’ Touka was brought out of her fury. ‘’What do you mean-‘’

‘’Kaneki isn’t here and I’ve wasted all my time on this guy for nothing!’’ Everything he had ever done was for Kaneki, and now Kaneki wasn’t even there to praise him for his hard work. Hide was back at point zero, and he hated it. He wanted to break down this whole place to find a sign that told him his work didn’t go to waste. That Kaneki was here.

‘’You’re talking bullshit! We’ve found the girls!’’

“As if I care about that!’’ It was ugly, the truth. Hide had realised too late what he had just said, but neither regretted it nor took it back. It was true. He didn’t give one single damn about the others. Not now they hadn’t lead him to Kaneki.

“What the fuck Nagachika!’’ Touka jumped him, and they fell into the floor. Hide wanted her to hit him, knock him out, show him how his self was as rotten as the smell. How wrong it was that he didn’t cry over the girls, over Yoriko. How bad it was that he didn’t see the value of the time they had put into finding this guy.

She hit him, twice. Then she just stared down at him, and he stared back. Touka’s tears of anger fell together with the rain. He watched her face grow from utter anger to the deepest sadness.

It was ugly, the truth. There were no ‘what-if’s’ anymore, no illusions or fantasies. This was as ugly as reality could get. And they would have to deal with it.

Hide still had no idea where Kaneki was, and he hated it. Kaneki had left him behind, and he hated it. He had never told him how much he loved him, and how it had made him to this person, and he hated it.

He hated how he loved Ken Kaneki.

 

The man was a ghoul. They had heard about the creatures living on human flesh, but it felt too far away to ever take it seriously. Ghouls were creatures that appeared in horror stories told on Halloween. Ghouls lived under small children’s beds and disappeared when the parents came to check. Ghouls simply didn’t exist.

Until they did.

This ghoul had been jumping from town to town, plundering them from the bodies it offered, and then travelling to the next one. This ghoul was clever, choosing his places on its unimportance and forgetfulness. No one would care about bodies disappearing in the middle of nowhere.

Touka had called the police when Hide had gone home. They hadn’t spoken a single word after getting out of the house. Hide only knew that the police found the man still sleeping and had informed the so-called CCG, who came and executed the guy hours later.

The girls were being investigated, and given back to the families afterwards. Church bells clang for a whole week long.

No one came to Hide or Touka or even Nishiki afterwards. Touka was smart enough to call anonymously.

For an entire week, Hide debated on visiting Kaneki’s mother once again. She must have heard the news about the ghoul and murders. Maybe she asked herself why Ken wasn’t found yet. Hide wanted to pull things out of her once more, get a tiny bit more information on what could have happened with him.

It took an entire week for him to leave his house. Three weeks after Kaneki had disappeared. Now, he really knew next to nothing about his whereabouts, Hide sometimes dreamed about Kaneki having fled and now opening his own bookshop in a big city. How he would love to come there sometime.

It was still raining, and Hide listened to the rattling of the rain against his raincoat. He walked through the front yard of Kaneki’s house, knocked on the front door, and waited.

Just like the two times before, Kaneki’s mother opened the door for him. She looked dazed, as if she wasn’t there with her mind. She was somewhere else, in another world.

“Can I come in, Mrs. Kaneki?’’

She nodded and got out of the corridor to give him space to get inside. Hide took place at the table when she told him to sit down. He shrugged of his coat and put it over the back of the chair, indicating that he would stay longer than last time. Kaneki’s mother didn’t prepare any drinks. She just sat across him, watching him.

“How are you doing Hideyoshi?’’

“Let’s skip this part Mrs. Kaneki?’’ Her polite smile disappeared, and for one second she looked concerned.

“I’m here to talk about Ken.’’ She stiffened, and Hide hated to drag her son into the situation again. How much sorrow must that name carry for her.

‘’You’ve probably heard about the mass-murder somewhere in this week.’’ She nodded. “I thought Ken was connected to that case, but I was wrong.’’ To have to say it again and again that he had failed Kaneki, it hurt so much.

“I won’t stop looking for him, but after all this happened, I’m afraid that we should prepare for the likeable situation that Ken is…’’ He couldn’t say it.

“That Ken is dead.’’ Kaneki’s mother finished his line without a struggle. Hide looked at her, trying to find out what she was thinking. Her face was blank, the same dazed look in her eyes.

Hide put his hands together, making them stop shaking. He smiled “But it’s not sure yet that it happened, so-”

“Oh, but I’m sure it happened.’’

“How do you know?’’ Hide couldn’t believe what she was saying.

“Because I killed him.’’

She laughed, then sobbed. Her thin hands covered her face, as if she wanted to force her eyes further into her eye sockets. Hide had asked himself multiple times if she was mental, but for some reason he believed every single word.

“I killed my own son Hideyoshi.’’ Hide took her before she could fall of her chair. He didn’t know if he felt nauseous about the fact that she had murdered Kaneki or how he felt sympathy for her state. It was all so fucked up.

“How?’’ Hide didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to hear what could possibly bring a mother to kill her own child. But he had to.

“He was driving me mad Hideyoshi. I couldn’t bear it.’’ Hide was immediately reminded of the same words she had spoken two weeks ago. He felt like he was going to throw up.

_“He is driving me mad Hideyoshi.’’_

“I tried to ignore him, but he kept screaming and I lost it. I lost it and killed him.’’

“Why was he screaming?’’ He wanted to scream as well. At the ridiculousness of the whole situation. She shook her head heavily, as if she didn’t want to tell him. She was only now aware of what she had done.

“I couldn’t make it to the end of the month Hideyoshi. The rent was too high, so I thought that if I saved on food, then we would make it.’’ She was confessing her crime without struggling. Like a real mad-man.

“We would’ve made it, if he didn’t become so unbearable to look at.’’ She grasped Hide’s shirt and looked him straight into his eyes. “I was starving my own child Hideyoshi. And he didn’t complain once, even when he became so pale and so thin.

“One day, he looked at me with those eyes. There was no hatred or anger, only acceptance. I still wish that he had become mad.’’ Her tear filled eyes stood out great against her pale skin. She was reliving every single second of it. “I couldn’t stand him looking like that, so I locked him up.’’

She locked him up and let him starve. Hide had come here with Touka between these events and Kaneki being killed. Hide was here when Kaneki was still alive, probably even in this house. And he hadn’t noticed anything.

Slowly, Hide let go of Kaneki’s mother, who fell on the ground after not expecting her support to leave her.

_“He is driving me mad Hideyoshi.’’_

Kaneki was there. Maybe a few metres from Hide’s grasp, and Hide hadn’t thought about it at all. He had followed the wrong path and completely missed his friend. He wouldn’t have if he hadn’t been such a coward right then. He would have searched the house, not listening to the mother’s madness.

Hide took a step back, only his mind paralyzed. He could kill the woman in front of him. She was in a vulnerable state and it wouldn’t take long for the last bit of light to seep out of her. She was dying anyways.

He could do it. Ask her how exactly she had killed Kaneki. If she had used a knife, he would stab her over and over on the place where she had touched his friend. He could.

The woman in front of him was basically asking for him to kill her. So why wouldn’t he?

Hide felt himself leaping backwards, soon turning around and opening the door.

“Hideyoshi, _please_. Don’t leave me with him! He’ll haunt me until it kills me!’’

Hide closed the door and exited the garden. He went the opposite way from his house and began to run. After some minutes, he noticed that he had forgotten his raincoat and was drenching in the summer’s rainstorm. He had always loved rain.

Kaneki had sometimes told him how peculiar that was. Hide would ask him why he thought that. Hide had never found it weird that he loved rain. Every child loved rain and he just stuck with the love a little longer than most people.

Kaneki would smile. “Rain is cold and belongs to dark skies. That doesn’t fit you Hide.’’

Hide loved how Kaneki saw him as something bright. That was how he had come to love Kaneki. How Kaneki could find more light in him than he himself ever would.

Now Kaneki was gone though, and there was nothing in this town that didn’t remind Hide of him. Not the old tree on his left that was once hit by lighting and had broken down. It was a place where Kaneki would wait for him so they could walk to school together. He never wanted to wait in front of his house.

Or the vending machine that they had figured out so they could get free snacks whenever. Or the deep hole in the street where Hide got his foot stuck into and Kaneki refused to get help and stay by Hide’s side. He had said that he was so scared that Hide would be driven over.

This town was Kaneki. Hide had to leave it so he could let go of Kaneki. If he weren’t anytime soon, he would break.

Hide ran to where he and Touka had spent a day at the river. He thought of her soft face changing into anger, then sadness. He thought about her, sitting in her room, waiting for her father and brother to return. Would she cry when she saw them? Would she say something about him, how much she hated him? He guessed she would. He shouldn’t have left her alone.

When he arrived at the river bank, he slowed down and began walking along it. He didn’t know where to go to, but starting off walking and see what was at the end of the river was at least something. He wasn’t going to return when the sun set, or when it made its appearance again. Not when it would stop raining or when he had forgotten his own name or even Kaneki’s name.

He would keeping walking, secretly wishing that Kaneki was walking next to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk with me on tumblr: @Nitsuki-baka


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